Sunday Snippet (13)

People think that onions are the only vegetable in the world that makes you cry. This is untrue. My mate was hit in the face by an iceberg lettuce thrown from a passing car and she was in floods of tears.

Sunday Snippet (12)

I like making time for a scurry around Boots before my journey home and called in as usual yesterday. As I approached the till I saw a pack of Immodium on the impulse-buy rack right next to it. Now chewing gum and handkerchiefs I can understand, but you've either got chronic diarrhoea or you haven't.

Chuck In The Muck With An Ounce Of Good Luck!

Yesterday my daughter and her husband attended a hospital app. Her husband had to hand in a semen sample for checking.  Sadly, the odds are against them a little, with mother nature having been a bit of a bitch. They felt it was time a couple of years ago to try for a baby but failure after 18 months meant investigation.  Kerri, my beautiful first born and only daughter has polycystic ovaries.  James, her husband, needed a testicle removing from cancer when he was in his early twenties, but thankfully has been fine ever since. It's not so much the amount that's needing checked but the quality, just incase. And to make matters more diffucult, the fertitily treatment Kerri was put on was the wrong one. A wasted six months, but thankfully gave her no other ill-effect. So she has to start from tablet fresh, as well as follow the strict fertility code on both parts to lead to conception. If not lucky this way then expensive IVF treatment will be a future option. If a couple in this world deserves to be blessed with a child it's Kerri and James and my heart is throbbing for a ginger granddaughter.

When talking  about the appointment,  I asked how long he was given in his private room to supply a sample and she said the sample had to be prepared at home and brought straight in. The fresher the better.  It was thought inappropriate to have wanking men in side rooms in this Buckinghamshire hospital. It reminded me of the time a friend in her forties needed similar intervention and her husband attended our own local Scottish one.  A room, a 'helpful'  magazine, a cup and a half-hour he was given. He was out in under 2 minutes. She was mortified and he felt like a superhero!

These days it's outside late at night, with that convenient bypass next to the nurses quarters I'd be more worried about and not daytime side rooms. 'Specially if the girls forget to close the curtains.  Of any hospital in similar settings.

Turkish Toppers......

Some people would do anything for a sale!  Take this new variety of pizza  that I got free with the 20 incher I ordered. A little too fishy for my liking but I think I'll stick to my Jack Russell deep pan stuffed crust circle of meaty joy!

Sunday Snippet (11)

Why can't cinema goers have some respect for pirate DVD viewers and go for a piss BEFORE the movie starts?  My brother's livelihood is in peril here!!!!

Titty Tom Tom

I absolutely adore the comedy actress Lucy Montgomery. I've not watched this for a while now but she played an uncanny likeness to Tom Cruise in her comedy show Tittybangbag. I wonder if he's aware that a British girl is taking the pure and utter pish out of him? After all imitation is the biggest form of flattery and it's not often a male gets a woman to double as him - especially when she's about 5 inches taller, too!

Another One Up!

What's got two thumbs and doesn't give a f**k that's it's 46 tomorrow:

Not the most flattering of pictures, I know, but if I end up as pissed as I look in that picture (in which I'm sober) it'll be worth it, but me and sobriety never seem to part! Byeeeeeeeeee!

Bridge Over and Above His Nose!

No, I'm not plugging the most vastly played album in asylums' history, just a cheap stab at the cover of it. I've been doing it for years now, but if you cover Paul Simon's face from a bit above his eyebrows down, it gives Art Garfunkel a massive Cossack  moustache!  Keeps the insane entertained for yonks! 

The Big Fuss?

Glad it's all over and the pratt who set the fireworks off isn't around tonight!

10 New Year Resolutions That I'd Never Have Kept Anyhow....

1. To actually wear the slippers anyone ever gets me, instead of using them as presents for others.

2. To stand on the bathroom scales and feel optimistic.

3. To pretend that unrequited love didn't ever hurt.

4. To stop feeling smug that apart from being a tad jowly, I don't have one single wrinkle on my face and I'll be 50 in a few years time.

5. To brush my teeth after EVERY cherry yogurt I demolish at night.

6. To stop wanting to give David Tennant and Brett Anderson one every time I see them on screen.

7. To stop kissing my cat on the mouth.

8. To believe a skinny bitch when she says "You're not as big as you think you look!" In her terms you're worse.

9. To convince myself everything's gonna be alright.

10. To stop wondering which is worse: a boring, anally retentive bastard who doesn't have the decency to keep in touch now that he's used you or a smug bitch who does-but-doesn't look down her nose at you.

Sunday Snippet (9)

No luck on the lottery last night. No numbers up. *sigh*

D'you know what really gets my goat? All those who say:

"Oooooh, if I won millions it wouldn't change me."

If that's really the case, why don't they stick to less nail-biting gambles like tombola's, raffles and coconut shy's, and leave us greedy, materialistic bastards to do our own thing!

Blogging Chris Lilley....!!

My son Adam bought me a comedy video for my birthday in January. I had never seen or heard of the writer/actor, Chris Lilley before - who stars in it - as he is Australian. The show is a mockumentary situated in an Australian public high school Summer Heights High. It follows the every day events of 3 members of it.

Jonah - a remedial 13 year-old, mother-fucker-of-a-nightmare scholar!
Mr.G - an egotistical, effeminate drama teacher.
Ja'mie - a private school exchange student.

Rarely have I watched a show that's pushed (and even crossed) boundaries as such. It has the right amount of comedy and pathos that ticks all my boxes when it comes to laughs and life. What makes it even more wonderful for me is that if you remove Chris Lilly for a bit, you'd actually think you were watching a serious documentary. The script and actors surpass other shows, easy! Thank you, Adam for buying me this DVD. Ain't it great when you bring to the front older comedies for the kids and they bring to light what's a huge hit for them and eventually you!

Anyhow, as it's his birthday today, I'll leave a clip of each character from the show. And these clips are mild to some I could have chosen:

Sunday Snippet (8)

Incredible! Earlier on today while standing in the kiosk queue in my local supermarket with the cheaper half - he lets out an unexpected burp! He pardons himself and apologizes right away as there's an elderly lady, well dressed, and most likely had just been to church, in front of us. She turns and smiles at my hubby as he's still covering his mouth feeling a bit awkward. To try and alleviate my hubby's obvious embarrassment I said:

"Don't feel too bad sweetheart, I farted up by the freezers" (I didn't!)

She turned and gave me a filthy look! I couldn't believe it! GOD ALLOWS WOMEN TO FART TOO, YOU KNOW!!

Vlad's The Way To Do It!

I've just pinched this from Seanie''s profile - I'm sure he won't mind. But this must be every Scotsman's worst nightmare - all that voddie and cognac going to waste:

Doctor, Jester and Slapped Backsides!

My son's dressing up for Halloween parties were pretty typical. I knew what to expect from my younger son, Adam. He is the funniest little scamp and always has been. So I was delighted when he chose his jesters outfit for his party!

With my oldest son and his pretty-boy looks, he had to draw the females so no horror masks for him! He opted for a gynaecologist outfit. It didn't surprise me in the slightest. When he picked up the headtorch and hadn't a clue where it was to go, I despaired. Ladies you'd be 'a fanny to let HIM near your fud!' Here's a couple of post party pics with girlfriend and mates. You'll know who is who...!

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Pratt Of A Cat - example 7:
Always go for a shit directly BEFORE big sisses with kisses visit from London to annoy the living daylights out of you.............Pratt!
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Sunday Snippet (7)

Do people living in the country really care for their pets...? I mean, I went a walk there today and could not believe the amount of rabbits which had gotten out of their hutches and running riot! I may be a townie but my level of security is second to none!

Little Darlings!

Okay - those who have them or work with or around them know that teenagers can be a teensy bit stubborn. Part of nature. Growing up. But sometimes we mothers and fathers are tarnished with the 'you're an embarrassment' brush and the only time some of them talk to you is when they're after something other than advice. Usually money. So often teenage issues can be a hard thing to discuss with the arm swinging brigade. Obviously parents want to keep their little angels free from harm and bad judgment. So what can we do if a teen just doesn't want to know...? I reckon as with little 'uns we should portray our worries in a series of life-shaping books - wiff pictures and everyfink.

Youngsters love books that often rhyme! Never too old for them! Especially if it includes a name. Andy Pandy. Sue and Sugar Too! Hannah Montana. You get the drift. So I suggest a series of them for the stubborn teen. I'm not covering every issue but perhaps some in the title range of....

1. Nina The Fat Ballerina.
2. Joyce And Her Fondness For Boys.
3. Sweary Hairy Mary.
4. Stew And His New Pot Of Glue.
5. Keith The Overnight Thief.
6. Donald And Danny No Longer Like Fanny.
7. Mitch And His Unusual Itch.
8. Dave Slave.
9. Nelly And Her Swelly Belly.
10. Buck Who Just Don't Give A Damn What Anybody Says!

....might do the trick. If they're illustrated in full blown colour, with really stiff pages, and chucked in the room or slid under the door when there's a teen mate in the room with him/her, well, maybe talking to mum or dad won't seem as awful as it sounds!
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Pratt Of A Cat - example 6:

Just because a niece visits at Halloween with her face painted like a cat does NOT mean she's on your side..........pratt!
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Sunday Snippet (6)

Loved what I saw when walking home the other day. Passed a park that's situated next to a 'poshish' housing scheme. One of the 'No Ball Games by Order' signs had been uprooted and taken to the other end of the park where it was re-rooted so many yards away from another sign of exactly the same warning! The kids were using it as the other goal post! Ahhhhhhh!

It was the first time in my life I ever felt like joining in a football/soccer game!