Sunday Snippet (11)

Why can't cinema goers have some respect for pirate DVD viewers and go for a piss BEFORE the movie starts?  My brother's livelihood is in peril here!!!!

Titty Tom Tom

I absolutely adore the comedy actress Lucy Montgomery. I've not watched this for a while now but she played an uncanny likeness to Tom Cruise in her comedy show Tittybangbag. I wonder if he's aware that a British girl is taking the pure and utter pish out of him? After all imitation is the biggest form of flattery and it's not often a male gets a woman to double as him - especially when she's about 5 inches taller, too!

Another One Up!

What's got two thumbs and doesn't give a f**k that's it's 46 tomorrow:

Not the most flattering of pictures, I know, but if I end up as pissed as I look in that picture (in which I'm sober) it'll be worth it, but me and sobriety never seem to part! Byeeeeeeeeee!

Bridge Over and Above His Nose!

No, I'm not plugging the most vastly played album in asylums' history, just a cheap stab at the cover of it. I've been doing it for years now, but if you cover Paul Simon's face from a bit above his eyebrows down, it gives Art Garfunkel a massive Cossack  moustache!  Keeps the insane entertained for yonks! 

The Big Fuss?

Glad it's all over and the pratt who set the fireworks off isn't around tonight!

10 New Year Resolutions That I'd Never Have Kept Anyhow....

1. To actually wear the slippers anyone ever gets me, instead of using them as presents for others.

2. To stand on the bathroom scales and feel optimistic.

3. To pretend that unrequited love didn't ever hurt.

4. To stop feeling smug that apart from being a tad jowly, I don't have one single wrinkle on my face and I'll be 50 in a few years time.

5. To brush my teeth after EVERY cherry yogurt I demolish at night.

6. To stop wanting to give David Tennant and Brett Anderson one every time I see them on screen.

7. To stop kissing my cat on the mouth.

8. To believe a skinny bitch when she says "You're not as big as you think you look!" In her terms you're worse.

9. To convince myself everything's gonna be alright.

10. To stop wondering which is worse: a boring, anally retentive bastard who doesn't have the decency to keep in touch now that he's used you or a smug bitch who does-but-doesn't look down her nose at you.

Sunday Snippet (9)

No luck on the lottery last night. No numbers up. *sigh*

D'you know what really gets my goat? All those who say:

"Oooooh, if I won millions it wouldn't change me."

If that's really the case, why don't they stick to less nail-biting gambles like tombola's, raffles and coconut shy's, and leave us greedy, materialistic bastards to do our own thing!

Blogging Chris Lilley....!!

My son Adam bought me a comedy video for my birthday in January. I had never seen or heard of the writer/actor, Chris Lilley before - who stars in it - as he is Australian. The show is a mockumentary situated in an Australian public high school Summer Heights High. It follows the every day events of 3 members of it.

Jonah - a remedial 13 year-old, mother-fucker-of-a-nightmare scholar!
Mr.G - an egotistical, effeminate drama teacher.
Ja'mie - a private school exchange student.

Rarely have I watched a show that's pushed (and even crossed) boundaries as such. It has the right amount of comedy and pathos that ticks all my boxes when it comes to laughs and life. What makes it even more wonderful for me is that if you remove Chris Lilly for a bit, you'd actually think you were watching a serious documentary. The script and actors surpass other shows, easy! Thank you, Adam for buying me this DVD. Ain't it great when you bring to the front older comedies for the kids and they bring to light what's a huge hit for them and eventually you!

Anyhow, as it's his birthday today, I'll leave a clip of each character from the show. And these clips are mild to some I could have chosen:

Sunday Snippet (8)

Incredible! Earlier on today while standing in the kiosk queue in my local supermarket with the cheaper half - he lets out an unexpected burp! He pardons himself and apologizes right away as there's an elderly lady, well dressed, and most likely had just been to church, in front of us. She turns and smiles at my hubby as he's still covering his mouth feeling a bit awkward. To try and alleviate my hubby's obvious embarrassment I said:

"Don't feel too bad sweetheart, I farted up by the freezers" (I didn't!)

She turned and gave me a filthy look! I couldn't believe it! GOD ALLOWS WOMEN TO FART TOO, YOU KNOW!!

Vlad's The Way To Do It!

I've just pinched this from Seanie''s profile - I'm sure he won't mind. But this must be every Scotsman's worst nightmare - all that voddie and cognac going to waste:

Doctor, Jester and Slapped Backsides!

My son's dressing up for Halloween parties were pretty typical. I knew what to expect from my younger son, Adam. He is the funniest little scamp and always has been. So I was delighted when he chose his jesters outfit for his party!

With my oldest son and his pretty-boy looks, he had to draw the females so no horror masks for him! He opted for a gynaecologist outfit. It didn't surprise me in the slightest. When he picked up the headtorch and hadn't a clue where it was to go, I despaired. Ladies you'd be 'a fanny to let HIM near your fud!' Here's a couple of post party pics with girlfriend and mates. You'll know who is who...!

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Pratt Of A Cat - example 7:
Always go for a shit directly BEFORE big sisses with kisses visit from London to annoy the living daylights out of you.............Pratt!
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Sunday Snippet (7)

Do people living in the country really care for their pets...? I mean, I went a walk there today and could not believe the amount of rabbits which had gotten out of their hutches and running riot! I may be a townie but my level of security is second to none!

Little Darlings!

Okay - those who have them or work with or around them know that teenagers can be a teensy bit stubborn. Part of nature. Growing up. But sometimes we mothers and fathers are tarnished with the 'you're an embarrassment' brush and the only time some of them talk to you is when they're after something other than advice. Usually money. So often teenage issues can be a hard thing to discuss with the arm swinging brigade. Obviously parents want to keep their little angels free from harm and bad judgment. So what can we do if a teen just doesn't want to know...? I reckon as with little 'uns we should portray our worries in a series of life-shaping books - wiff pictures and everyfink.

Youngsters love books that often rhyme! Never too old for them! Especially if it includes a name. Andy Pandy. Sue and Sugar Too! Hannah Montana. You get the drift. So I suggest a series of them for the stubborn teen. I'm not covering every issue but perhaps some in the title range of....

1. Nina The Fat Ballerina.
2. Joyce And Her Fondness For Boys.
3. Sweary Hairy Mary.
4. Stew And His New Pot Of Glue.
5. Keith The Overnight Thief.
6. Donald And Danny No Longer Like Fanny.
7. Mitch And His Unusual Itch.
8. Dave Slave.
9. Nelly And Her Swelly Belly.
10. Buck Who Just Don't Give A Damn What Anybody Says!

....might do the trick. If they're illustrated in full blown colour, with really stiff pages, and chucked in the room or slid under the door when there's a teen mate in the room with him/her, well, maybe talking to mum or dad won't seem as awful as it sounds!
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Pratt Of A Cat - example 6:

Just because a niece visits at Halloween with her face painted like a cat does NOT mean she's on your side..........pratt!
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Sunday Snippet (6)

Loved what I saw when walking home the other day. Passed a park that's situated next to a 'poshish' housing scheme. One of the 'No Ball Games by Order' signs had been uprooted and taken to the other end of the park where it was re-rooted so many yards away from another sign of exactly the same warning! The kids were using it as the other goal post! Ahhhhhhh!

It was the first time in my life I ever felt like joining in a football/soccer game!

Happy Annivesary To Meeeeeeee!!

I had to let you girls (and occasional boys!) see the card my nutty neighbours next door bought for our anniversary yesterday. Liz and Tam have probably traipsed round every card shop in the area to find one that's fitting as when it comes to cards they always 'deliver'!
And opened up:
And just in case those badges need bigger clarity:

Don't you just love it when some things are so apt! The pink bubbly stuff helped heaps with the dental pain and blocked nose (see What Lena Leaves for details!). I reminded him of the badges' status when it came to opening up the choccies!

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PRATT OF A CAT - example 5:


Next Morning.............

Alcohol is never the answer...........pratt!
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Sunday Snippet.....(5)

Men are wonderful at multi-tasking. Only this quiet, Sunday morning was he valuing my opinions by nodding, smoking and occasionally saying 'mmmmm'.
It was only shopping I was banging on about but at least it's helped me make my mind up as to what I'm getting him this Christmas - a nice box of milk chocolate After Eight Thins.........and shoving some right between his arse cheeks when he eventually crashes out. Oh, the joy of him waking and initially thinking he's shit himself!

'Merry Christmas Darling ! Now where did I put that Oxi Action pre-wash gel?

Large Visitor Globe

Shitty Knitters Rule!

Never let it be said that I'm not creative. I simply cannot pass the day without doing something. After all the daily business is done, I like to unwind with my kinda thing. I started knitting my daughter's jumper in July, so I'll have it ready for her at New Year when she and her husband always visit! I only knit to her approval. But my sodding problem is that I often take too many things on at the same time and leave woolly, unconquered garments in the lurch. That's why coming across this little item again made me smile. It's perfect 'me time' sized and it's the only garment that I've ever asked for back.

When we found out that my favourite band, Suede, were to split up in 2003, my sister and I were devastated. No more bunking off work and throwing sickies to see them. No more coming home with bruising and fag burns on clothes after gigs! No more staying overnight in pissed-drenched train stations for catching the end of shows or vomiting in Edinburgh/Glasgow streets through a sustenance of alcohol because you're too excited to eat! God, I miss those days.

But, because our family intends to inflict our favourite music on our children (that can be cruel in some cases!) it gave me the idea to make the jumper below for my little niece, Rachel, who was 9 months old when she wore it. My wee sis adored it on her baby and always bought unusual clothes and toys ect, whenever she could. Just to veer off a little from the typical.

On the jumper I have knitted in a headstone with the date of the bands' birth and demise in music. Round the headstone I painstakingly embroidered little flowers in respect of the band. And we didn't care what reaction it got from other mums (most of them thought we were mad) but I can remember my GP saying it was brilliant! (Not that I had consulted him about the idea, Rachel just happened to be wearing it while I was babysitting!).

So, I've been knitting away like an old fogey since, usually for older babies and sometimes with rudish sayings on them! A lot of asterisks used, that kind of thing! Coz that's what modern and untypical mums want these days. Let's face it - the kids won't get away with bad language or choose 'sinister' clothes when they're older, (unless they're Goth of course) so we have to do it for them when we can! Just think of the horror of showing them the pictures when they're older! Rachel will probably be mortified when this picture resurfaces in her teens. And that jumper is to be kept for my first grandchild. It's the hairiest ******* heirloom I'll ever be proud of!.



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PRATT OF A CAT - example 4:

Dodgy dances moves will get you neither a queen, nor smoked salmon.......Pratt!
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Sunday Snippet......(4)

I refuse to decorate today. Load of bollocks anyhow. By the time you've finished one room another could do with a touch up (know how it feels!).

It's all a fraudulent chore anyhow........ Manufacturers of Dulux 'Once', I think the word you're looking for is 'Twice'.